Note/edit: I wrote the first part of this post in a pretty bad mood. When I came back an re-read it I almost deleted it and started over. But as the song at the end of the post mentions I figured you might as well see some of the real me. My attitude is back in perspective,well, at least for the moment.
Restless. That's the best way to describe how I've been feeling. And it's not just a "I need to keep busy and do something restless". It's more of an internal restlessness. I feel like a crabby little kid or a moody teenager who just wants it their way and keeps complaining and asking questions. I want to know the who, what, where, when, why and how of my life and I'm having a hard time being patient about it. I'm being selfish thinking about what I want instead of being thankful for what I have. I'm focusing on my life and what's next for me instead of using my time to help others. I see this in myself and I hate it. I'm frustrated that I keep repeating this pattern and I'm restless for change. Dwelling on this only keeps me stuck here.
In my restless frustration as I ask God the who, what, where, when, why and how I get "Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10) and "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him" (Psalm 37:7). And with a poor attitude I think "I don't want to be still anymore. How much longer do I need to be still? I just want to move, not wait. For once in my life I want to close my eyes and just jump out of my comfort zone and take life as it comes, not wait patiently. I'm looking for the direction to go, not the place to stay." Thankfully God is a lot more patient than I am and keeps gently reminding me despite my poor attitude.
Last week my neighbors needed a babysitter for anywhere from 15-45 minutes one night after the kids were asleep. I can sit at my house just as well as the house next door and it would be ridiculous for them to hire a babysitter for such a short time. I headed over to sit there in case the kids woke up needing anything. I heard one of them cry out "daddy, daddy" and went down to see what was up. I had to smile when I heard the music his dad had left playing for him. It was a lullaby about sleeping, being still and knowing God is there and the phrase "Be still and know that I am God" continued to repeat. Even when I'm acting like a tired little kid God gives me the same gentle answer. But like a tired little kid I keep calling out instead of listening to the music and settling down.
As I recall a Bible study I was in last year I am reminded of all the people in the Bible who waited. Waiting seems to be a theme. Abraham and Sarah waited for years for a child as did Hannah. The Israelites waited for the promise land. Ruth and Naomi waited for God to provide. Noah and his family waited for the flood waters to recede. Joseph waited in slavery and then again in prison. Simeon and Anna waited to see the Messiah. Those are just a few off the top of my head, there are countless examples of waiting.
Waiting, waiting, waiting. But I have to wonder were they patient and content as they waited? Were they always at peace trusting God for an answer, or did they ever feel restless and impatient? When we try to wait on our own it doesn't work very well, we need to ask God for his peace and patience in the waiting. He is the true example of patience. I am so thankful He is patient with me even when I try like a crabby child to do things my own way. God, please help me be patient like you and not restless, crabby and frustrated. Thanks for your extreme patience with me day after day and your gentle reminders.
I had an old CD mix playing in my car today and this song came up. (Yes, I still use CD's except for the times I finally locate the one I'm looking for only to find it snapped in half.) It seemed appropriate for how I was feeling so I thought I'd share the lyrics.
The Real Me
by Jaci Velasquez
People think I've got it all together
With the show of my sweet, sweet smile
But do they know if I've been happy ever
Pull up a chair 'cause this may take awhile
O.K. so here's the thing...
I've got my bad days
And some are even worse
I can be a blessing
And you know, I can be a curse
I tremble at rejection
I'm scared to be alone
Sometimes I may be selfish
But I always make it home
Chorus:
This is the real me
Am I the girl that you want me to be
This is the real me
With flaws and fears of intimacy
This is the real me
Can you face it
Can you feel it
Can you take it
Can you deal with
The real me
So now You see that I am far from perfect
I will fall and I will make mistakes
But I am here and this has taken courage
Will You abandon me or will You stay
I know that I'm demanding
And sometimes insecure
I think I've got the answers
But then I'm not so sure
I sometimes need attention
A little more than I should
But there is a part of me
That'd give the whole world if I could
Chorus
This is the real me
Am I the girl that you want me to be
This is the real me
With flaws and fears of intimacy
This is the real me
Can you face it
Can you feel it
Can you take it
Can you deal with
The real me
Bridge
Now that I've let you in
And I no longer will pretend
Will you please still be my friend
Food for thought: "Sometimes all you can do is not think, not wonder, not imagine, not obsess. Just breathe and have faith that everything will work out for the best." -unknown
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